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When control replaces connection

What we see in Jonas, Ethan and Milly is not unusual, their reactions an example of how children may respond when they feel like they are unable to make decisions that affect them.

Dr Louise Porter (2008) describes these as ‘reactive behaviours’. She explains that when their need for freedom is restricted, children may push back, sometimes alone, sometimes together. These reactions often take the form of resistance, rebellion, retaliation or escape attempts (Thomas Gordon, 1974, as cited in Porter, 2008).

When children exhibit reactive behaviours, it may be a sign that something in their relationship with an educator/s has ruptured. They are telling us that freedom matters – and when control takes the place of connection, trust breaks.

Attuned, responsive and trusting relationships are at the heart of child safety. Understanding, supporting and respecting children’s individual needs, agency and ability to be capable decision-makers is key to developing and maintaining respectful, positive educator-child relationships and a strong child safe culture.

Building safe and respectful relationships

The research is clear – connection is what protects children. In settings where children feel they must simply obey, they may not feel safe to speak up and raise concerns, and/or worry they won’t be believed or their concerns taken seriously.

Professor Freda Briggs (1995) reminds us that it is trust, not compliance, that protects children and gives them the space to signal distress. Children are safer when they learn and develop in autonomy-supportive environments, where they are free to speak, be heard and have their needs respected.

Each time educators listen closely, respond with curiosity instead of control or give children the freedom to express themselves, educators are creating an environment where every child knows they are safe, respected and free to be themselves.

Everyday connection in practice

It is important for educators to build respectful and equitable relationships with children, in line with of the ����vlog���� and Care Services National Regulations and of the National Quality Standard (NQS). These relationships and connections are built through everyday moments. Each interaction tells a child whether they are safe, valued and respected. For educators, this means paying attention to what you do and how you do it.

When children feel emotionally safe and trust the adults around them, they’re more willing to open up about their thoughts, experiences and any worries they may have, trusting that they will be listened to and supported.

The quality of each moment of connection shapes how safe children feel. Building respectful relationships with every child through appropriate practices is a powerful protective factor that can safeguard children’s wellbeing and resilience long into the future.

Supporting educator wellbeing

Strong and safe relationships depend on educators who feel supported and steady. Those everyday moments of connection are easier to create when educator wellbeing is central to practice ( and ).

Research indicates that educators with higher levels of mindfulness – an ability to stay present and aware without judgment – report less conflict and more closeness with children (Becker et al., 2017).

Practising mindfulness can significantly ease educator stress and reduce symptoms of depression, which in turn supports stronger, more responsive relationships with children. This highlights that building a culture of safety in early childhood education and care services requires not only practices that honour children’s rights, but also workplaces that prioritise educator wellbeing.

When staff are stressed, it can be easy to default to corrective or directive approaches, calling out instructions, telling children what to do or imposing control. While these strategies may be effective in the moment, they often cause children to withdraw or escalate their resistance. One way to rewire our default is to replace directives with narration. Instead of telling children what not to do, we can start by noticing out loud what we see.

For example:

• In the case of Jonas, Ethan and Milly, an educator might say, “Wowsers, you’re all moving fast today! Where could we move our bodies super-fast?”
• When 2 children argue over a toy, an educator might say, “It looks like you’re fighting about whose turn it is with the toy. Would you like my help to work this out?”

By narrating situations that invite children’s curiosity, there is a shift from solving problems for them to solving problems with them. This may not seem like a large shift, but it is quite powerful as it supports children’s independence and sense of autonomy, while strengthening our connection with them, even when behaviour is challenging us.

Our role is to be the adult who listens, the adult who can be trusted with the truth.

Professional learning

Visit the NSW Department of ����vlog����’s website to access free professional learning resources developed by Phoenix Support for Educators on understanding and supporting children’s behaviour.

The resource suite includes:

• 6 self-paced webinars and 6 recorded Q&A sessions, with an accompanying workbook
• 6 podcast episodes
• the ‘Understanding and supporting children’s behaviour’ March 2024 ECE Connect session.